


Tragedy Of Toad Hall

by PingusWifuuu



Category: The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
Genre: (There's lots of blood), (Who am I kidding), Blood, Kinda, M/M, Role romance I guess, scripted, technically you could act it out
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-08
Updated: 2017-12-15
Packaged: 2019-02-12 03:12:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12950043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PingusWifuuu/pseuds/PingusWifuuu
Summary: When all Mole, Rat, Toad, Badger and Alfred want is a picnic, they get a̶ ̶l̶i̶t̶t̶l̶e̶ a lot more than they bargained for.





	1. Act 1, Scene 1 - The Beginning Of The End

MOLE  
Scrape and scratch and scrabble and scrooge. Up we go, up we go. Pop! Ah this is fine, this is better than whitewash, kill spring cleaning.

We hear faint screaming when MOLE shifts the soil.

MOLE  
Oh my, oh my, is that a river? The River? Oh what a day! Hang spring-cleaning!

RAT  
Hello Mole! 

RAT waves

MOLE  
Hello Rat! 

MOLE waves back

RAT  
Don’t seem to have seen you about before. 

MOLE  
I’ve just bought this hole two years ago. It’s a jacobean residence.

RAT  
Aah.

MOLE  
I don’t go out much anyway, as a rule. The voices in my head tell me not to. One says that it’s ok to stay inside because it’s what my late parents would want. One says that I deserve to stay inside so that nobody will see my ugly face and that nobody cares about me or loves me. Another told me that if I stayed inside, Mumma would let me have meals. And then I realise that my Mumma is dead.

RAT  
That’s the spirit. I don’t go out much either. No authorities, if you get what I mean. 

MOLE sits down on a pile of leaves. BADGER throws him off as he stands up.

BADGER  
Who is it disturbing me this time? Not more police? 

MOLE  
Just a mole, Mr Badger!

BADGER  
Please, call me by my first name - Badgery!

MOLE  
Badgery Badger?

BADGER  
On second thought, last name is fine, too.

RAT  
Let me introduce you - my friend Mr Mole. He moved in two years ago.

MOLE  
I am extremely proud to to meet you, Mr Badger. I’m sure I’m extremely sorry -

BADGER  
That’s alright, any friend of Ratty’s may sit down where he likes and when he likes or I’ll make them regret it. 

RAT  
Well, seeing as you finally came out of hiding, dear old Badger, why don’t we all have a trifle of lunch? How does that sound? 

RAT starts handing out glasses of water. MOLE nods eagerly and fills them up.

BADGER  
Thank you, Mole.

MOLE  
The voices say that I don’t deserve a drink from you.

BADGER sprinkles powder in the drinks.

RAT  
What’s that, old Badger?

BADGER  
Sea salt! I do love sea salt in my drinks.

MOLE sniffs his drink, then drinks it. 

MOLE  
It’s nice! But the voices say that I don’t deserve it. Thank you, Badger.

BADGER takes a glass and is about to sip it, when TOAD enters, riding a galloping horse. BADGER spills some of his drink in surprise. The horse, ALFRED, skids to a halt in front of them.

TOAD  
I think we got away, Alfred! No police here, we’re safe! Just two lonely criminals on the run - how noble, how gallivanting, how - what’s the word?

BADGER  
Illegal.

TOAD  
We have company! Splendid, splendid!

BADGER (quickly)  
Well, I must be going now! Picnics aren’t really my expertise, especially when T - I mean, especially when certain animals are around. 

TOAD  
But -

BADGER (suddenly shouting)  
DO YOU WANT ANGRY BADGER TO COME OUT?!! 

BADGER thrusts his glass into Alfred’s hoof. 

BADGER (to ALFRED)  
Take it! 

BADGER storms off, trying to control himself. 

TOAD  
But you are joining me for - already gone? Oh well!

RAT (with an effort)  
Hello Toady! 

RAT hands the basket to MOLE and their fingers brush. 

TOAD (obliviously)  
Hello my dear fellows, this is splendid! And who might you be, my little friend? I am the popular and successful Toad. Pleasure to meet you!

MOLE  
It is nice to meet you too, Mr Toad. You can call me Mole.

RAT  
Stay and join us for a drink and some food, Toady. Alfred too, of course. 

RAT hands a drink to TOAD. 

TOAD  
Thank you. 

Everyone drinks from their cup. A trickle of blood runs down from ALFRED’s right nostril.

ALFRED  
I… I… what’s happening? Oh, I feel horrible, what is happening? 

ALFRED starts coughing up blood, his face is losing colour. He collapses dramatically, blood flowing freely out of his mouth. 

ALFRED (weakly)  
Oh, Toady…

ALFRED stops struggling, his eyes flutter until they are almost closed. TOAD lets out a wail of anguish.


	2. Act 1, Scene 2 - Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The animals plan for justice.

TOAD  
Alfred! Alfred! Do you hear me, Alfred? A-Alfred? How many fingers am I holding up?!

RAT  
You aren’t holding up any fingers. You don’t have fingers.

MOLE  
Alfred is dead, Toady. He’s dead. The voices say that it wasn’t your fault.

TOAD starts tearing up, wiping tears away from his face with his massive sleeve.

TOAD  
He - he was my - my - what’s the word again?

MOLE  
Best friend?

TOAD  
He was my best friend! Ah, I remember the days when I found him abandoned at the side of the road after he had gone on a murderous rampage and killed the staff of his previous stables in a stampede… Ah, who’d have thought that that was the beginning of a wonderful friendship?

MOLE  
Wait, what?

TOAD  
Ah well, we’ve all been there. There’s always that rebellious teen stage where one tries to murder one’s parents, isn’t there? Only normal, only normal… Everyone goes through that stage, don’t they, fellows?

TOAD stops. Everyone is silent.

RAT  
I think that’s just you, Toady.

MOLE  
But… this can’t have been natural. It must have been done by somebody. Who would want to kill dear, dear Alfred?

RAT  
As much as I hate to say it, there is only one suspect - our dear old Badger. He was the one who sprinkled the salt and gave Alfred his drink.

TOAD(offended)  
No, it can’t possibly be old Badger… My grandfather and father knew him! He would never do anything like this! 

RAT is starting to get worked up.

RAT  
There’s only one thing for it - we investigate. We need to go to Badger and ask him why he killed Alfred right now -

MOLE  
But Ratty, Badger is only a suspect, isn’t he? 

RAT recovers himself.

RAT  
Oh, yes, yes, you’re completely right. We need to go to Badger and ask - politely - why he - theoretically - killed Alfred. Better?

MOLE  
Yes, but -

TOAD  
Splendid, splendid. How about starting right now? Toodles!

MOLE  
Toady, aren’t you coming too?

TOAD  
Aren’t I - me, Toad - coming with you?! No, no, no. Nonsense! I’ll be nobly waiting, confined in the four walls of my majestic Toad Hall. Holding down fort, if you know what I mean. Very noble of me.

MOLE  
Can I stay with you then? The voices say that Mumma would hate me and take away dinner privileges for a week if I went on an adventure.

RAT  
It’s ok Mole, your parents are dead. Come with me. I need all the help I can get if I want to make it through the Wild Wood. 

EXT - NIGHT - WILDWOODS

There is no sound but the whistling of the wind in the willows. Then MOLE and RAT emerge, cold and shivering.

MOLE  
The voices say that it isn’t a good idea to be out in the middle of the night, is it? W-what if we get ambushed by wild wooders? I don’t have any experience with a knife - I’m more of a gun person. Or a dagger person. Actually, I have some experience with katanas and swords. I’m skilled with my bare teeth and nails as well - what is it, Rat?

RAT is running. MOLE runs after him.

RAT  
We’re nearly there!

MOLE speaks in huffs, winded by RAT’s quick pace.

MOLE  
All the voices doubt that… Surely Badger - can you slow down - doesn’t live here... in the deepest and darkest... parts of the wood! Can you slow down please? Who would live here?

RAT  
Somebody who wants to avoid the authorities. I don’t know what Badger has done in his early life, but -

MOLE trips over suddenly. MOLE screams. RAT hurries over quickly.

MOLE   
DEAR RATTY! MY LEG! MY LEG! ALL THE VOICES ARE SCREAMING!

RAT peers over.

RAT  
That looks painful.

MOLE  
MY LEG!!! IT’S BEEN SPLIT IN TWO! THERE’S SO MUCH BLOOD, RATTY! I CAN SEE WHITE BONE!!! IT’S GRISTLY! THERE’S SO MUCH BLOOD!!!

RAT  
So there is.

MOLE  
RATTY! THE VOICES SAY I’M GOING TO DIE! I HAVE THREE LEGS NOW, RATTY! THREE LEGS! IT’S TWITCHING NOW, DEAR RATTY! MY FOOT IS TWITCHING!

RAT  
So it is.

MOLE  
RATTY! MY LEG! IT HURTS SO MUCH, I THINK I’M GOING TO DIE!! I NEED HELP! HELP! HELP!

RAT  
Shut up, Mole. We need to be quiet. There are Wild Wooders about.

MOLE  
MY LEG!! MY LEG!!!!!

RAT  
Hang on… what’s that?

RAT is looking down at MOLE, but not at MOLE’s third leg. He is looking at what MOLE tripped over. 

RAT  
I do believe that you have fallen over an axe, Moley! But why is an axe there?

MOLE  
DOES IT MATTER?! MY LEG, DEAR RATTY!

RAT (slowly)  
I do believe… that if there is an axe, there must a reason there’s an axe there!

MOLE  
IS THE REASON TO CHOP OF MY LEG?! RATTY, I’M BLEEDING OUT! I NEED HELP!

RAT  
No, Mole, you idiot. Someone must live here! Badger must live here! 

RAT steps forwards and knocks sharply on BADGER’s door.

MOLE  
THANK GOODNESS! 

BADGER  
Stop shouting out there, hooligans! You woke me up. And you don’t want to wake up Angry Badger...

RAT (pleasantly)  
Why, Badger! We’re in a bit of a sticky situation.

MOLE  
BADGERLETUSINMYLEGISBLEEDINGITHINKI’MGOINGTODIE, BADGERHELPUSBADGERLETUSIN, BADGERMYLEGMYLEGMYLEG- 

MOLE gasps for breath. RAT pats his back.

BADGER  
Go away or Angry Badger will come out.

RAT  
Oh, please Badger. It’s only us.

BADGER (suspiciously)  
Who is “us?”

MOLE  
RAT! RAT! GET BADGER! I NEED HELP! I THINK I’M GOING TO DIE!!

RAT  
Help… yes… I like it…

BADGER  
You know what? I don’t CARE who you are. Goodbye, my unhappy young friendS!

MOLE  
DEAR RATTY! DON’T YOU FEEL ANYTHING FOR ME?! DON’T YOU FEEL ANYTHING?!!! I NEED HELP, RATTY! HELP ME! GET HELP! GET HELP!

RAT (slowly)  
Get help, eh? Now that’s a good idea… especially coming from you, Moley.

MOLE (relieved)  
THANK GOODNESS RAT, YOU SEE SENSE!

RAT   
Get Help! Let’s do Get Help, eh, Mole? It’s true, too, which makes it all the more believable.

MOLE  
NO, RATTY, GET HELP IS HUMILIATING! I’M IN AGONY HERE! I NEED ACTUAL HELP, RATTY! GET HELP! GET HELP!

RAT  
Get Help, you say? Absolutely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you get that Thor Ragnarok reference? The movie came out about a week after we started writing this chapter, so there'll be heaps of references! Here's a link.  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lw1T6KYM_4I
> 
> Once more, kudos and comments are appreciated. The next chapter will be up soon!
> 
> \- Queezle

**Author's Note:**

> Credit to my friend Autumn! She helped me write about 40% of Tragedy. Her name isn't actually Autumn, but she doesn't want people to know her actual name (understandably).
> 
> So - hope you liked! Kudos and comments are the secret of life and eternal youth. This is my first time writing on Ao3, so please go easy on me...
> 
> The next chapter will be up in two or three days.
> 
> Until then -  
> Queezle and Autumn


End file.
